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Mother Set
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Once a surrogate mother or a set of intended parents has decided to start a surrogacy journey, the first step, after extensive research, is to find a potential match to work with. There are two basic options when it comes to matching for a surrogacy journey: using a surrogacy agency or finding a match independently.
There are several pros and cons to using a surrogacy agency. Some surrogates and intended parents choose to utilize an agency, while others do not. There is no right or wrong way.
Pro: Surrogacy agencies match surrogates and intended parents.
The biggest job of a surrogacy agency is to match potential intended parents with a surrogate mother that meets their needs. This can be a difficult aspect of surrogacy, as many intended parents simply do not know where to begin to find the right match. An agency takes this process out of the parents' hands and provides them with their match.
Pro: Surrogacy agencies set appointments and share experience.
For those who are not experienced in surrogacy, having an agency there to assist both parents and surrogates with paperwork, scheduling testing, coordinating appointments for procedures and evaluations is a lifesaver. This can take much of the uncertainty and stress out of the surrogacy. Agencies are full of experience and both surrogate mothers and intended parents can capitalize on that experience.
Pro: Agencies facilitate compensation discussions.
Talking about money and compensation can make many a surrogate mother and her intended parents uncomfortable. Agencies usually will act as a third party and go between the surrogate and her intended parents, helping the compensation discussions.
Pro: Surrogacy agencies handle escrow.
When it comes to having a third party handle all the monetary transactions between a surrogate and intended parents, a surrogate agency is the perfect fit. As escrow agents, they make all reimbursements and handle payments for the surrogacy.
Con: Agencies are very expensive.
Surrogacy is expensive. Intended parents that are looking to use an agency in their surrogacy will find themselves paying thousands for the use of these services. Many intended parents cannot afford this added cost to surrogacy.
Con: Some policies are set in stone.
Some agencies have policies, such as their compensation for surrogates, set in stone. This makes it difficult to negotiate a higher or lower surrogacy compensation between the intended parents and surrogate mother. Those who do not agree with an agency's policies are likely not to work with the agency, limiting the choices during matching.
Con: Some agencies are biased.
Some agencies, whether by design or by accident, take one side in surrogacy. For instance, an agency run by a former surrogate mother might be more sympathetic to surrogates instead of intended parents. Most likely, an agency will follow the money and will side consistently with the intended parents, thereby rejecting their role as a third party.
Each surrogacy journey is different, and there is no wrong or right. In all cases, a surrogate agency is paid for by the intended parents. Surrogate mothers do not pay to be listed with an agency.
Rayven Perkins is an author and two-time surrogate mother. To find out more information on surrogacy and more on the pros and cons of surrogate agencies, please see her site Pros and Cons of Surrogacy Agencies
7 Best Bits of New Mother Advice
We asked some mothers, “What was the best new mother advice you received when you had your first baby?” While one might assume that the majority of the advice would be practical baby care tips, the advice that made the greatest impression on most of these mothers had nothing to do with the baby. The best advice was directed toward the mother and how she treated herself.
Here’s a break down of the advice by category, and then the personal testimony from one of the mothers:
Sleep/Rest
“When I became a first time Mother, the best piece of new mother advice that I received was to sleep when the baby slept. That way, I would be able to get as much rest as possible, considering newborns generally don't sleep through the night for the first few weeks, or even months. The advice given to me really helped- even though I was tired, I would catch naps here and there when my daughter slept. It would give me just enough energy to make it through a night full of feedings and also helped keep the baby blues away!”
Relax
“It would be from my Lamaze teacher who said ‘just relax and trust yourself and your instincts after all who has been closer and more intimate with your baby than you’.”
Take Care of Yourself
When I became a mother for the first time, the best piece of new mother advice I was given came from a friend’s mother. She reminded me that while I would be anxious to provide the best care for my baby, I should be just as anxious to provide the best care for myself. She said that I would only be the best mother possible if I was also taking care of me; which in some cases might be setting limits on when, where and with whom to share my time and attention.
Accept Help
I received a lot of advice, but the best piece of advice I got was to accept any help that was offered. Since I am a very private person, I didn't accept all the help I was offered, but I did let my mother watch the baby for a little every day so that I could get some sleep.
Don’t Worry
The best piece of advice that I received as a first time mother was to not worry! Babies all have so many ranges as to what is "normal" in their development. You must definitely educate yourself on the stages and make sure your baby is following the guidelines of developmental stages. However, don't assume just because another child walks at 12 months that yours should be doing the same.
Let Your Baby Teach You
I think the best advice I heard was “let your baby set its own schedule.” There are so many books out there that tell you how to schedule your baby, but if you give your baby a couple weeks it will schedule itself. Keeping the baby on the schedule they set is important. Since they know what to expect, it sets a routine that makes them feel secure.
Choose the Advice that Suits You
“The doctor told me not to listen to everyone else! Best piece of advice I got. He said that it was OK for my baby to sleep with me until 4 months. But at that point he should be in another room so as not to make it a habit. The other thing he said was that “you can't spoil a baby!’”
EXTRA: Specific Tips
Gowns are Invaluable: When my children were newborns, my mother in law suggested that I use gowns because by using them, it was easier to change their diapers and change their clothing (if they should spit up). She was right, especially when you first come home from the hospital and you're extremely tired and have to take care of a newborn with very little help. Now I buy gowns for the baby when someone I know is having them.
Rock-a-bye Baby: The best piece of advice I received, was how to get a new baby to go to sleep. It works like a charm. When you put your baby to bed, put a light cloth over his eyes (not the nose) and the cloth will work to eliminate visual stimulation. Most of the time, this is what prevents new babies from falling asleep. Once you baby falls asleep, remove the cloth. Works every time.
About the Author
C.L. Hendricks is a "jill-of-all-trades" and an expert in some. She writes on a variety of subjects for several websites, including InvitingSmiles and Survival Homestead, to name a few.
As a joke I set my mother-in-laws Craftsman Adjustable Bed at its highest level and she had to call the?
fire department to get her out of it. Will I be in trouble with my wife?
She married you dear. I wouldn't think she'd be too surprised.
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